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hey this is Leo for actualised org and in this episode I'm going to talk about my experience of absolute infinity how I became God how I became conscious of the entire structure of reality and how you can too I want to share with you the deepest insight I've ever had in my life by far by far by far the deepest this is the most profound thing you will probably ever hear me say and the most incredible part about all this is that I will show you in next week's episode how you can achieve this exact same insight for yourself in 15 minutes or less sound too good to be true well you've got to stay tuned and to see what that entails ah but let me begin sort of at the beginning as you know a few months ago I started experimenting with psychedelics and I've been researching them now for a little bit and experimenting as well and in my research into psychedelics I've been reading a lot of books doing a lot of academic style research and just taking a look at the history of it all and what's available out there what's possible and what I stumbled upon is I stumbled upon a substance I'm going to withhold the name of the substance until next week's episode or important reasons which I will talk about later this substance creates 100% ego death that's what it does it is not a traditional psychedelic it doesn't produce fun visual effects it doesn't take you on spiritual quests and journeys into distant lands and different universes where you get to encounter new beings and spirit animals and this sort of stuff it doesn't do any of that it's a very very very clean substance what it does is it allows you to maintain full normal consciousness full clarity of your own thoughts but it just completely robs you of your ego within a matter of five to ten minutes this is the most powerful psychedelic that exists it's not LSD it's not DMT it's not ayahuasca it's not mushrooms it's not mescaline it's not MDMA it's not salvia it's not ketamine or probably anything else that you're thinking of this is a little-known substance it's quite rare and it's not well known in the psychedelic circles so of course I decided to try this out given the fact that I've been pursuing enlightenment now for three years pretty hardcore and I talk a lot about the ego so what would it look like to get 100% pure ego death now this is an interesting thing to consider because even though we talk about the ego a lot and you've heard me talking about it you hear me ragged about it you heard me talking about all the negative stuff and you kind of know what the ego is but what you fail to appreciate is just how radical of a shift in paradigm and perspective you would experience if you ceased to exist in reality try to comprehend the significance of what I'm saying you will cease to exist in this reality what then will be your experience if there is no more you you that thing right there if you stop existing well that's a very interesting question and you know I want to say a couple of things about this word god I don't really like the word god I'd use it a few times before in my episodes but generally I stay away from it because I'm sort of a rational person I'm a very grounded person I'm very skeptical in my approach to understanding reality in life I question everything I don't take anything on faith anything is belief everything must be questioned and found in direct experience and in my direct experience honestly there's no such thing as God and I was an atheist for basically my entire life at least that was a much better option than being a theist like a theist why would I be a theist that sounds ridiculous so that just gives you a little bit of my background right out I was in philosophy for for college thinking deeply about these kinds of existential questions about what is reality and where did it come from in this sort of stuff and God is an explanation was never a satisfying explanation because God itself needs to be explained and that was never sufficiently explained by anybody so I didn't really take that as a serious thing also another thing I should point out in case you're telling me hey Leo you know psychedelics you're talking about psychedelics here and talking about some sort of powerful insight that you had but aren't psychedelics not real they're just like hallucinatory well stay with me here keep an open mind because you know what that's what I thought when I came into this experience so I'm in for some rude awakenings here just as much as you might be watching me talk about this stuff so what was the insight that I had I took this substance that robs you of your ego and within a few minutes what started happening is that I was quite lucid but what started happening is that my experience of reality started to get pretty wonky even though there's not a lot of visuals and stuff it starts to get wonky because what starts to happen is that this chemical is as far as I can tell like pure powdered consciousness it's pure awareness and so what happens is it doesn't screw with any other aspects of your awareness other than awareness itself and what it does is it takes you from your kind of regular baseline level of awareness up a notch and up a notch and up a notch and up a notch by ten by factors of 10 and 10 and 10 and 10 and 10 and 10 and just starts going in an exponential curve very very quickly within just five minutes and I'm sitting there on my couch having taken the substance experiencing this and expecting that I will get some sort of like powerful meditative effect because that's kind of what I think of when I think about no ego and so that's what I'm expecting but pretty quickly what starts to happen in my awareness is impossible it's literally impossible given what I know about science and physics and chemistry what starts to occur with me is not just interesting colors changing and shapes distorting the way you might see on LSD or DMT or whatever what starts to occur with me seems physically impossible it is against all laws of logic and physics it's so shocking and so radical that it feels like someone snuck up behind me with a razor-sharp ninja sword and sliced my skull in half and all that I'm aware of is that my skull has fallen down on the ground and half my brain is gone but I'm still conscious as you might be in the situation imagine this happens to you you're still conscious because it happened so quickly and so cleanly but what might you feel well you're in total shock it's not necessarily a positive or a negative emotion it's just a state of complete and utter shock and actually others uh there's a sort of like existential terror that accompanies that but also a sense of amazement because something is happening with you that's never ever happened to you in your life that you've never conceived of and here it is it's happened to you and all you can do is just surrender to it you can't fight it it's not you can glue your skull back on this is a serious situation that you've gotten yourself into so what I do is I just surrender into it and then very quickly I have the deepest insight that I've ever had and that I think I will ever have in my life what did I become aware of I can still remember myself sitting on the couch in that moment where it felt like my entire life changed completely and what I became aware of is that it's absolutely infinite reality is absolutely infinite it's absolutely infinite it's absolutely infinite it's just absolutely infinite it's absolutely infinite you don't understand it's absolutely infinite there's no way you can understand this it's absolutely infinite and I became directly conscious of this this was so shocking of an insight that there is nothing that it could possibly be compared to in everyday life as far as insights go and what happened to me as I died Leo died and I became absolute infinity and my reaction to this I can very vividly remember was that I was sitting on the floor by that point and said oh my god oh oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my oh my god are you over here oh oh and that was my reaction and it lasted for quite a while and what I realized is that I am looking at God and that this is what God means is simply absolute infinity and that not only am i looking at God but that I am God God is what I am that's what I am it's nothing other than me and then this insight hits me that I created everything I created it all from nothing I created it all from nothing including this thing called Leo I created this ignorant thing called Leo and now that ignorance has been broken the veil of ignorance has been broken and I've seen myself as the creator of everything an interesting thing occurred to me as I was going through this process I was kind of observing myself I was kind of like meta observing myself and I was puzzled that I was using this word God because I don't use the word God in my ordinary vocabulary if I do talk about these kinds of concepts because I study mysticism and so forth then I'll talk about it as nothingness or I'll talk about it as source I'll talk about it just absolute truth or something like that but not as God because God to me comes loaded with a lot of cultural baggage um there's so many silly ideas attached to God for example it's God being some you know father figure up in the cloud with a beard looking down at you or like a st. Peter at the pearly gates meeting you when you die and go to heaven something like this no no let me explain what absolute infinity is and what God is because this is the ultimate insight you can have about life it's absolute infinity when I say the word infinity you probably think of some sort of mathematical concept like the natural numbers one two three four five six seven eight nine ten ten thousand ten million ten billion ten trillion and all the way up to infinity you can kind of extrapolate up that way or you might think of infinity as a line a geometric line which stretches endlessly in both directions but that's an imaginary concept we have in geometry or you can think of infinity as maybe space a volumetric three dimensional space which extends out in all directions which you might think like what the universe is is some sort of very large vast maybe perhaps infinite geometric object but when I say absolute infinity I don't mean that I mean absolute infinity you can't grasp this with your mind you can only become directly aware of it but here is a little idea if you take infinity your concept of infinity and multiply it by infinity by infinity multiplied by infinity multiplied by infinity multiplied by infinity multiplied by infinity multiplied by infinity an infinite number of times now you're going a little bit closer to absolute infinity it's infinity but not in one dimension or in three dimensions it's not a spatial coordinate type of thing see it's infinity in every dimension possible it's infinity raised to the Infinity power raised to the Infinity power raised to the Infinity power raised to the Infinity power an infinite number of times it's a runaway chain reaction that has no beginning and no end and includes absolutely everything and when I say absolutely everything I don't just mean you and me and your cat and your car and your tree and the moon and the Sun and other galaxies I don't mean that that's far far far shy of absolute infinity I mean that what reality is is like a possibility field of everything that's possible and even stuff that's not possible and that doesn't exist reality is all of that expanding outward so to speak almost like a sphere but it's not a volume see this is happening in every dimension it's happening in infinite dimensions there are infinite dimensions and all of them contain infinite everything because and here's the real deep diamond of an insight that explains everything is that there cannot be a limit to any limit within reality you see because reality has to include everything and if reality includes everything it also must include any limits that we would think exist upon reality what do I mean by limits well you might think that reality is limited to three dimensions or to four dimensions or it's limited for example running in one direction in time from past to present to future like that time has an arrow pointing in one direction or it's limited to the actual things here that exist that we can see or it's even limited by the physical laws or the physical constants like the gravitational constant the speed of light in all these other mathematical physical concepts oricon constants I mean that uh that we think create the structure of our universe but you see those constants themselves are groundless they are if they even exist they are just particulars within a field infinite field of possibility because the constant itself has to be enforced by something but what would enforce it you see the enforcement on reality would have to sit outside of reality but reality includes everything which means that reality must be absolutely infinite because there can ultimately never be anything that enforces it reality ends up being absolutely free it's free to be any way that it can be to get a little taste of this imagine we have a tropical island with a nice beach somewhere in the Caribbean and on that tropical island is lying one little bit of sand now that little bit of sand if we move it one millimeter we could almost say like it's as though we constructed an alternate universe right where the sand particle is just shifted it's everything in the universe is just like it is right now but the stats and particle in this alternate universe has been shifted by one millimeter now imagine that we take all the sand particles on that beach and we shift them around by one millimeter not just on that beach but on every island in the Caribbean not just there but on every island in the world on every particle of sand on the entire earth and each one of those if shifted by a millimeter will create an alternate universe but we also take the moon and the Sun and we take every particle on every heavenly body around every solar system around every galaxy in the entire universe and that right there is not yet what I mean by absolute infinity that is a tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny subset of absolute infinity because what we'd also have to do is take our universe and imagine every possible universe that could ever possibly exist at every possible moment in time ever and each one of those consider those as though they were alternate universes sort of like multiverses right and you have now imagine you have an infinite number of those and now you start to get a little taste of absolute infinity it's absolutely everything everything everything everything not just that is but that ever was and ever will be everything everything possible and everything that doesn't exist it's all contained in this and it's all absolutely nothing so this absolute infinity it's not like you're seeing anything here there's nothing to see there's no color to it there's no shape to it there's no smell no taste no feel you're not even feeling it you're only able to be aware of it directly aware of it by being it this absolute infinity and you see how out of nothing the absolute infinity spawns everything and it's not like it's taking place across time there's no such thing as time everything in absolute infinity including time time is one possibility one dimension of absolute infinity it's all there as one thing past present and future is there all contained in one it's like a white hole an infinite singularity like a mathematical point which has no dimensions and yet at the same time if you take that point and you zoom in on it that point contains everything that's possible and this is what God is and what I became conscious of is that this is what I am so that will first chunk of my insight then what happened in this experience is that immediately I recognized for the first time in my life I've awoken like I've awoken to awaken to awaken from life you understand what this means this this is an awakening from life life doesn't exist anymore it doesn't exist from this absolute infinity perspective to awaken the experience of awakening from life is the most shocking thing that you can possibly imagine it's as though you know like maybe you're fiddling around scratching some itch on the back of your skull one day and then you discover this a little something there and then you discover oh it's like a little zipper you can just kind of pull on it so you start to pull on it you should to pull on it there's like an invisible zipper that just goes across your skull like this down your face down your neck down your body like this and it's almost like you're taking off a costume and you just unzip this thing you unzip in it and your body it's as though it just kind of falls down like a floppy banana peel falls to the ground and then you awaken from this existence that you thought was reality and now you're absolute infinity you're nothing you're just nothing there was nothing in that suit but everything that's ever possible for there to be with no limits and no bounds and if that's what you are this awakening is so shocking that you finally understand what the ego is what it really is like not just that all I'm egotistical here I'm a little selfish here I'm all this no no your ego is your entire life as you know it the fact that you were born that you have parents all this stuff all this just gets wiped away from you it just a fiction it's just a dream what happens to you when you had a dream last night and now you're sitting here listening to me where did that dream go did it have any reality at all any substance no it just it's gone it's gone it's like a little silly hallucination well imagine now that what you call reality what we call reality right now that it's possible to awaken from this and the degree of difference between reality and awakening from reality is greater than awakening from a dream into everyday life it is not possible to understand what the word awakened means without actually experiencing this and when you experience it you have a mind-blowing epiphany of like oh this is awakening it's nothing I could have possibly a map I wasn't even close like not even [ __ ] close I was infinite orders of magnitude away from understanding awakening and same thing with God and like what I was saying about God you know I was saying that I don't like the word God but there was a funny thing that happened to me is that this word just came to me as the most natural explanation for what was happening that in the phrase absolute infinite that also came to me as the most appropriate description of what was happening and for the first time in my life I understood what the Gord God actually means and it's a very very appropriate word but only if you have the experience if you have an idea of God it's not appropriate at all it's silly it's totally silly and so when I awoke it was greater than I could have ever imagined like my wildest fantasies about what awakening could get me were nothing compared to the power of actual awakening it was so ridiculously overwhelming that I was just drowning in a sea of love infinite love because that's an attribute of God that you quickly realize is infinite love and so you're drowning in it it's like you're drowning in it and it's just like love is pouring down your throat you can't handle it anymore injures coughing it up it's so much it's frightening it scares you this is the true meaning of the word awesome and the true meaning of the word oh my god that's where that phrase comes from but you don't really know what that phrase means until you've actually become God and seen what that means it's not possible to imagine in your wildest dreams and the crazy thing is is because I took this chemical you know I was expecting that this chemical it can only do chemical things right and that's what most people think about psychedelics I call you have some some nice hallucinations you see some weird stuff and say yeah I can understand that because you know chemicals go into your brain and they can make a little funny pictures and stuff and distort your reality but what I became conscious of is no picture it's no picture you can't describe this and you can't excuse us away as just and just say it's like oh yeah it's just some kind of chemical thing no no because this isn't possible you see this is impossible to it's impossible to experience this at all given conventional understandings of human experience and what human beings are there is no way that a chemical can do this it's not possible how can you become infinite from taking a chemical not an ID of becoming infinite but you literally become infinite how is that possible that's something to ponder for another day another thing I realized is I realized that everything I knew about reality is wrong everything every belief everything every thought everything I've ever taught you it's all rise like it's it's all part of the dream it might work in the dream but when you awaken from the dream it's silly it's just silly and deluded and the degree of delusion that I became aware of his infinite infinite delusion is what my life was infinite delusion the degree of delusion as much as I talk about delusion and self - self-deception mechanisms and the ego tricking you and all this kind of stuff the delusion that you are playing on yourself and that I play on myself as my little ego leo is so massive that no words can describe it you would need to write thousands of pages to describe the degree of this delusion it's that deep this absolute infinity is the most beautiful thing you can ever experience it's like pure raw beauty to the infinite degree and it's so shocking this experience that there aren't even any tears with this experience it's pure all and shock and tinged with terror you're terrified by the experience of God imagine when you look at a sunset or you're in the desert and you look up at the night sky and these beautiful stars the Milky Way you can see it all and you you get this kind of beautiful sense of connection with nature this sort of spiritual feeling will take that and multiply it by an finiti every sunset you've ever seen in your entire life would not be enough you need to multiply all those by infinity and now you get a little taste of the power of this experience it completely melts you this is not a experience just of the mind or of the brain this is a full-body experience it melts your heart my heart completely melted my body even started to release energy from it like as though I've been I'm releasing a a lifetime of carrying around all that this this torture and fighting and struggle of the ego and releasing all of that like one giant blast out of your body it completely transforms you like there's there's no going back after this experience it's ridiculously powerful can't be imagined and so that's what happened to me and then about 30 minutes later I came back as Leo into the small leo ego because the chemical wears off and then of course you're back and you're like normal but you're not really like normal because you've seen something that cannot be ever unseen and so my ego my my little eco miser to try to make sense of this you know how come if I'm infinite how come I'm here in a very limited form and I'm living in a very limited ordered reality and it is a very specific way like I'm standing you're talking to you and you're sitting there listening to me and that's exactly how it is how do we reconcile that with absolute infinity so I started thinking about this a lot and I came up with an explanation now caveat here this is just my little ego self coming up with some little explanation so this explanation might be delusional I might change it later it's sort of like a tentative hypothesis that I have but it seemed to satisfy me quite a bit because it explained basically all of reality you want all of reality explained here it is what reality is is an infinite matrix in infinite dimensions and everything that can be is happening all at once simultaneously so there's that but now how do we explain me and you as little egos well here's here's the stroke of genius and I don't take credit for this the stroke of genius is that if I didn't exist as my little ego and you didn't exist as your little ego and our universe in our world didn't exist in this very limited way that it does then absolute infinity couldn't be infinite could it you see something would be missing from it namely my little perspective and your little perspective and humanity's little perspective and the entire current universe that we're living in what we're experiencing right now is one possibility out of a infinite sea of possibilities and of course we have to experience it as separate and limited because that is what that experience is actually part of absolute infinity see absolute infinity includes absolutely everything which means it includes realities that are like little bubbles inside of it which are very limited and very diluted and it includes everything including pain murder rape genocide Wars atomic bombs all the evil [ __ ] that you don't like about life all of that has to be included in absolute infinity see including all the quote unquote good stuff also has to be included because absolute infinity is absolutely infinite you can't subtract anything from it you see and that explains everything everything is explained by this it's extraordinarily satisfying to get that explanation especially for me as someone a philosopher who's been asking these existential questions for years and years and years for my whole life couldn't wrap my mind around it now I see why I couldn't wrap my mind around it you can't run matte wrap your mind around it because it's infinite but you can experience it see so that was my experience now I'm not enlightened I don't claim to be and I don't feel like I am I'm back in my little ego self and that's fine but this was an important experience in my life the most powerful experience I've ever had for sure and be most important for my personal development for sure if I took the last three years of daily meditation all the retreats I've done thousands of hours of work all the self inquiry of I've done and if I take all of that and I can replace it by this one experience that I've had I would take this one experience it's infinitely more more powerful it's just life-changing um and what's really heartbreaking about is that I can't really communicate to you everything you're after in your life every goal you have money relationships business success being a good human being raising children whatever that is that's all part of a dream you see that's not life when you awaken from life you realize you look around you realize you can't die you can't go anywhere there's nowhere to go there's no one to die it's just a silly game it means absolutely nothing see and you are so complete because you are absolutely infinite that you have everything you have everything you need you need nothing more when you realize that everything is put into proper perspective everything your entire life is put into proper perspective it's crazy but that's reality it's infinite and it's at the same time absolutely nothing and it created itself you created yourself you just don't know it yet maybe one day you will I'm sharing this with you not to brag or to gloat but because this is an experience that you can have this is the quintessential experience of life there is nothing else that can compare to it this is it is the whole shebang everything else is a distraction and when you ever awaken if you ever do you will realize in an instant that your entire life was just a distraction from this that's all it was has no meaning whatsoever compared to this what you are doing right now is you are living in fear in your limited little reality that you think is so important that you're so afraid to lose and the biggest thing you will discover in your life when you awaken is that you were living in the worst possible situation you could have been living in this thing that you think is so great that you're afraid to lose it's pathetic it's like you're a poor man on the street who's sitting there with a with a little dirty paper cup a little dirty crumpled up paper cup and he thinks that that little paper cup because that's his only possession that little paper cup he clings to it and he thinks that this dirty little paper cup if he loses that ever his whole life will come to an end and what he doesn't realize is that if he only released and had enough faith to release that paper cup that he would get the entire universe in return and yet he's so afraid that all he can do is cling to that little cup and he will never ever ever because of that experience God Himself is God this experience was so powerful that after about a week passed and I was going asleep and what I was experiencing is even though this chemical passes out of your system very quickly within 30 minutes or so I would go asleep deep asleep normally where I would be unconscious but here I actually would go asleep and I would become God I would become absolute infinity and then I would awaken from that into my regular dreams and then from my dreams into regular reality ordinary reality but then I'd have a memory of like oh yeah I was infinite while I was sleeping and Here I am now as this little ego Leo Here I am it's powerful sometimes I just get an after like an after image or just like a flashback of this experience and you know while I'm sleeping this is weeks weeks weeks later so there's no chemicals at this point affecting me I just get an image of what it was like that moment when I died I actually died and became God that moment was so petrifying that it wakes me up in my sleep just thinking about it and I wake up and I just cry for 15 minutes at the beauty and also the frightening uh majesty of God you might think like oh okay so you got the substance you could just do the substance every day right and just experience God every day well see God is terrifying it's so beautiful it's so overwhelming it's infinite so it's terrifying in a sense even though it's kind of a good positive terror but no you don't want to do this every day even though you could you don't want to do every day fact I haven't done in a month a whole month has passed and every time I kind of look at I'm like oh I should do a little bit more of that and like no I don't know I don't know if I'm ready for that that's some heavy heavy heavy [ __ ] I still AM I'm still uh struggling to understand what I saw the first time see so like I said this is an experience for you to have not to believe me I don't care what you believe it doesn't matter what you believe you're right your beliefs are irrelevant your thoughts are irrelevant your logical understanding is irrelevant you either will have this experience or you won't next week I will reveal how you can have this experience within 15 minutes and I will divulge the name of the substance I haven't done it right now because I want to hold off because for safety reasons there's going to be important precautions and guidelines that I need to explain for how to use this substance properly and safely and I can't do that here in this episode because that would run way too long and there'd be too many technical details so what I recommend is that you stay tuned with me for next week learn more keep a very very very very open mind I know it sounds like I've gone down you know some rabbit hole that I've gone crazy ah let me assure you I'm not crazy I'm still basically the old leo but I've also seen some very deep [ __ ] that has also changed my life forever in the same way that it will change your life forever if you stay open-minded and stay on this path and if you don't to use a substance don't use a session so you can pursue this all you know through meditation or self inquiry whatever eventually you might be able to break through to this but it'll probably take you some decades multiple decades to do it and that's assuming that you do it every single day for many hours a day because this insight is way beyond a simple little experience of no self I've had some experiences of no self I had some samadhi like experiences this is this is a whole nother deal this is absolutely infinite and speaking of which I'm going to leave you on one final note with what I call the gallery of absolute infinity [Music] you [Music] you [Music] you [Music] you [Music]